“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
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The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
BRO LMFAO
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.