I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
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$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
I don’t think my car can fly
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
couldn’t resist
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower