doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
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It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
I gave up going to work for lent.
I’m about to risk it all
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!