Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
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[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
This probably isn’t good
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.