Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
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That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.