I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
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Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.