*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
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Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
Lol
My spirit animal is fried chicken
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.