A classic…
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ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.