I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
You Might Also Like
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.