Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
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Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
happy mother’s day❤️
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
Just got to our Airbnb!
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period