“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
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If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.