My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
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Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
Them: You should try keto
Me:
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.