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I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
This is the coolest video you will see today.
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
“I wouldn’t.”
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂