noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
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Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”