[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
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I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead