Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
You Might Also Like
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
What kind of a cult is this?
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.