2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
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[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?