Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
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First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
I mean…but I did
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly