Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
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Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.