Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
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Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”