Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
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Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
we’re gonna need another temp
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
Hell yeah 👍
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
the prophecy has been fulfilled
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.