Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
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just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.