[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
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When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?