The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
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I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes