WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
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“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man