Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
You Might Also Like
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
So inspired right now.
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason