If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
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[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
ok hear me out: Luigiana
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
twitter is a journey
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!