The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
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The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever