I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
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ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
Lmao