The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
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Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”