My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
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Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.