Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
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the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
For the baby who has everything
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.