what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
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I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
the three branches of government
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*