The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
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We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
“The Perfect Relationship”
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.