And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
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I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺