Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
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“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
want me to check your oil?
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
*weighs self after shaving
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.