Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
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dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
Sooo many times…..
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around