me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
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babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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.
.
.
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
#growingpains
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
Never let them know your next move 😂
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick