To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
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Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
any last words?
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.