Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
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I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
⛄️
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
This forever.
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.