HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
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Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.