Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
You Might Also Like
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
#Caturday
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*