Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
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My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
My wedding will be open casket.
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.