I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
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The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
Support your local cemetery
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.