*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
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I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
Raisins are grape jerky.
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
? 💀
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.