Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
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“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio