I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
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Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
This is my pinned tweet
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.