Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
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“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
what my late-night hot pocket sees
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”