[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
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Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.