STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
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Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever